Barre with Justine

Can we talk about yoga? The wellness practice that can seem almost untouchable when it comes to criticism.

There can be such a rosy glow around yoga that it feels wrong to say anything bad about it. Over the last few years, it is becoming more common to discuss some of the negatives around yoga, from injuries to being the prescribed panacea for all of the stress that women face.

Alexandria Crow’s Instagram account pulls back the curtain on the aspirational poses we see on social media and asks great questions about what yoga should be, but it still feels that we should naturally like yoga because of the benefits and because, at its best, it really does have benefits for our emotional, mental and physical health.

But….

During my yoga teacher training, one of our required texts was the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. If you are an avid yogi or have done the 200HR YTT you have likely read some version of this book. It is a beautiful and rich text, layered with deeper meanings and often described as life-changing.

We were asked to write a reflection piece on how the readings resonated with our own experience with yoga. At the time, it was interesting to think about what yoga meant to me. It wasn’t all sunshine and happiness, which I hadn’t really thought about before.

The truth is that there were and still are times in my life where I really dislike yoga.

Is a yoga teacher allowed to admit that?!

Yoga can strengthen, soothe, and stretch us emotionally and physically. It can also spark competition, create frustration, and let very painful feelings bubble to the surface. For me personally, there are times when yoga feels like exactly what I need to feel good and then there are other times when yoga feels like it’s breaking me open and making me feel awful. Do you ever feel this?

yoga and me – it’s complicated

My yoga journey began at my university in a tiny town in Quebec. While I would love to say I signed up because of the spiritual and mental benefits, I did it purely for physical reasons. I was already deeply in love with group fitness classes and knew yoga was the latest ‘trend’ in the magazines to create beautiful long and lean muscles.

I had danced for many years and yoga seemed like the perfect complement to my high cardio step classes and long, ache-inducing hours of studying. Meditation and Savasana were always a part of they class but definitely not my favourites. Many of the poses came very easily to me because of the flexibility and balance from ballet. I loved just losing myself in the movements and felt just a tiny twinge of smugness that the poses WERE so easy. My older sister was also beginning yoga at the time and we would do classes together when I moved home after school. Here was where the friendly competition began – we would compare ourselves to each other in class, probably pushing more than we should into poses like headstand and wheel pose! (love you Jojo!)

Clearly, we were so invested in the asanas that we were completely missing the spiritual side of yoga (particularly turning inward and avoiding comparison).

Jumping ahead to the first few years of my marriage, yoga was pushed to the side as I concentrated on working at my job, teaching 4-5 fitness classes a week at the campus gym, and planning for children.  As is typical for many people, I wanted things to happen right away and nothing prepared me for the frustration and sadness that came from expecting to be pregnant and being disappointed each month.  I was the picture of health but consumed by sadness and anxiety.

Yoga did come back into my life at this time, but not because I wanted to do it. Friends and family advised me to stop teaching fitness and do a more gentle yoga practice. On the surface, this should have been an opportunity to be kind to my body…an opportunity to relax and let go of some of the stress that we were under. But I resented taking yoga classes and couldn’t find the peace that everyone had promised. I missed my cardio classes and always questioned if I was doing the ‘right’ thing (this is so common when you are trying to figure out why you can’t get pregnant). Looking back, the pain and stress of those days is muted likely because we were eventually blessed with three beautiful children (with a surprise baby at 40!)

Many people told us Annabel arrived because we had stopped worrying and were less ‘attached’ to the idea of a baby.  Looking back on the days when I wanted children more than anything, I can see how attachment – to a specific outcome, on my timeline and terms – became all-consuming and have negative effects on every level.  So, while I don’t like the idea of making anyone feel they want something “too much”, I can relate to how awful it feels to become attached to an outcome and it doesn’t happen.

Ironically, when I became pregnant with Annabel I was working out more than ever, teaching BodyStep and BodyBalance (a more intense yoga class) and working out almost every day of the week.

thoughts from 20+ years of yoga…

I’m glad I discussed the challenges first because I DO want to end this post on a positive note. My yoga teacher training was really what balanced my relationship with yoga. I learned so much from the teachers and am so grateful to Christina Raskin for designing such a thoughtful program that helped me grow so much in my practice and my understanding of yoga.

My YTT really opened up questions for me that I’m still examining, 3 years later:

• why can I be gentle with others but not myself?
• why is it so hard for me to do more gentle exercise?
• why am I always comparing myself with others?

Of course these are questions that everyone wrestles with! I’m still learning but have some insights that have made my practice and my teaching better. Many of these can be found in Patanjali’s Sutras, so I’m also grateful that we spent time exploring that text and encourage anyone to take the time to read it and think about how it applies to their own life.

Here are my thoughts and of course I’d love to hear yours too!

First, we are so much more than our thoughts. The thoughts that occupy my mind are rarely helpful to me. I worry about how other see me…feel wistful that everyone around me seems blissfully happy…stress that I could always be a better mom/wife/daughter/etc.

Yoga helps us let go of the need to control every aspect of our lives. When I carve out time for quiet and meditation, the thoughts do lessen and my anxieties are brought into perspective. I am reminded that the way others see me is so much better than how I see myself. I feel more comfortable in myself and what I can offer to the world.

A soothing yoga practice can also be a beautiful way to balance out the high stress lives we lead. I’ve always struggled with rest but something that has become more important to me over the last year. Teaching group fitness is one of my passions but there have been weeks this past year when it’s felt like I’m dragging myself to class. In my quest to avoid loneliness during sabbatical, I’ve said yes to more classes than ever before. During the class the energy flows and I’m filled with happiness but there are days when I’ve been left feeling that I’ve nothing left to give, physically or emotionally.

Finally, yoga really helps me to understand and feel the abundance of life. more confident in sharing my own thoughts and gifts with the world, and not worrying about comparing myself with others. Patanjali writes:

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”

I would love to hear about your own relationship with yoga…is it as complicated as mine?